Hokum
The lazy, the coward, the unimaginative, the thoughtless, and Jerôme Barthélémy
October 17, 2022
Strictly for those with a sense of humor, and my German friends, I publish my secret list of people who I think ought to be spanked in public. I would totally volunteer to spank them myself, but this is better done by some trained professional with large hands and anger issues.
People who stand up immediately after the plane lands. I think a good spanking might motivate them to dust up the ol’ brain and give it a go. If you’re one of these Neanderthals and I’m on your isle seat, please be advised that I’m not moving until there’s room to move. I don’t want to risk a self-spank.
People who still use Sketch in 2023
If your company makes you use Sketch: quit. That company isn't going anywhere and neither will you.
If you can't afford Figma: that's because you're using Sketch
People who show up to Zoom calls without headphones. If you’re in a quiet home office, it’s fine. But these vandals call you from busy coworking spaces, rowdy hotel lobbies, bustling cafes, and various other raucous establishments. We all support remote work, but how about a pair of headphones, huh? We’re trying to get some work done here.
A front-runner in the thoughtlessness Olympics is the user of Apple's electric rodent: The magic mouse. Lazy, unimaginative, counterproductive, and indulgent. Spank, spank, spank, and not in a fun way some might enjoy on a Sunday afternoon.
The person who decided that the iPhone command center shouldn’t have a link to the settings. I hope they get called into HR to get a thorough, comprehensive spanking before they’re swiftly expelled. What’s sad is that they’ll get a job that pays even more, so they can continue to enlighten us with more bright moves that help nobody.
People who take their mechanical keyboards to the office: We get it, you can’t live without your Cherry MXs. Now can we do some work with you too?
People who wear their glasses on the back of their necks.
People who say “purposeful condescension”. Unfortunately, I once found myself in this lame category. You’ll be delighted to know that after receiving the spirited spanking that I deserved, I no longer resort to such pretentious terminology. A well-timed spanking works wonders for those who want to be less terrible people.
Restaurants that serve salad on flat plates. These are the same restaurants that put obscure greens in their salad. I don’t mind discovering a new tasteless herb every once in a while. We’re all impressed by this chef’s extended knowledge of the local flora. But how about some lettuce here and there, huh? You know.. people food... Jean-Philippe leMoron here discovers bean sprouts and now he's going to put them on literally everything he serves on a flat plate...
People who name their cafes and restaurants with numbers. There’s a bunch of unimaginative NPRs that we don’t need. You don’t get to use numbers. Unlike what your mom told you, you're not special. You have to use a word or a phrase like the rest of us. I don’t care if your wife’s birthday. She’s not impressed with your primitive semiotics. If you really loved her, you would call the restaurant after her. “Welcome to Mrs. Moron’s grill and chill. Right this way Mr. Ayadi”
And while we’re talking about restaurants and morons: People whose wifi password is “LameRestaurantName”. Title case in a Wifi password? Really? Are you trying to increase CTR on your wifi password? Lowercase all the way, asshole… Lowercase like a silicone valley tech startup with an unimaginative blue logo.
Founders of silicon valley tech startup with unimaginative blue logos and their designers. After administering the vigorous spanking that they deserve, they should be exiled to Paris and allowed to only work with the la French Tech. A few months of that should be enough punishment for their lack of character.
