So many thoughts today.

I woke up feeling balanced from yesterday's turmoil. Rushed to meet the Uber driver. He got lost and got me there a bit late. I rushed my swimsuit on and joined the group. we swam a bit and stoped to head back in the opposite direction. I checked my watch and it said less than 300m in 10 minutes and change.

I spent the rest of the swim thinking about how I will not make the swim cutoff. It was very bad.

One thing to call out though is that I handled it pretty well. I’m familiar with this feeling now. I just had it yesterday on the bike and that fated July scorcher of a day when I did the cat2 climb. But still, I did 30 minutes of swimming making peace with the seaming fact that I will not make the cutoff.

The prospect of failure is bitter. The embarrassment, more so shame for having brought my friends only to fail at the first step of 3. That’s also bad. But I know I did my absolute best in the last 12 months so it’s comparatively easier to grapple with. What’s more difficult is the numbers. If I swim 2:30 at the pool and 30 seconds slower in open water, it means the problem is in the open water, so the next ironman has to be prepared in this open water which is only gonna get colder, darker and lonelier as we bid farewell to summer. That’s what I thought about for rest of the swim.

I tried to stay in the moment though, focusing on breathing and whatever technique I can muster. But the backdrop was dark and factual, even though the emotional content of the looming failure wasn’t the main theme. It was the cost of the next attempt. In addition to the early wake ups, the social isolation, the pain, the long boring hours, the financial cost and the opportunity cost, now I have to do this open water shit too. yikes.

—Two hours later

I clicked the “correct distance” function on Strava. It says I swam 1.6km at 2:09 per 100. not 1200 at 3:02 that Garmin is quoting.

Mind you, even at 3min/100, I would still finish 25minutes clear of the cutoff, so it’s not tragic. The reason why I panic about it is that 3 minutes at the start is going to be 3:30 at the end. It also leaves no room for swells and current and the happenings that take place when two thousand athletes are trying to swim for their lives.

I had a moment of relief. It’s like my soul was put back in my body. It’s like you went from 360p on youtube to 4k60. But then… It doesn’t make sense. The speed that Garmin is quoting is super slow. I never swam that slow in my life, like even when I was starting to learn. On the other hand I never swam as fast as Strava says for a long distance. So I think the truth is somewhere in between.

In my haste this morning, I forgot my house keys. Writing this at the doorstep of my apartment building wearing wet kaki (someone just let me in) shorts which look like I just wet myself. Writing this with my phone instead of on the laptop so I can’t keep up with my thoughts.

Feet are cold, knee hurts but there’s someone coming with a key in an hour so at least now I can go to a local cafe and wait there with a modicum of dignity.

—That afternoon

I’m still feeling overwhelmed by today. Slightly nauseated and my arms feel a bit drained, not too much though. Same as they would after a good session at the pool.

One idea gave me a lot of solace is that of finishing the race even if I miss the cutoff. I’m sure I can do the distance, the question is time. But even if I miss it, if I feel even slightly ok, I will do the bike leg, just to prove that I would have made it in time. So I will make the T2 cutoff. For the run, I don’t know. with a healthy knee, I think I will go for it. but with pain in the knee, I think it would be unwise to put it through a marathon. It will extend the rehab time and prevent me from starting to train for the next one.

I pulled out the computer and checked the data closer. I can’t say for sure because the gps data is so inaccurate, but I think the truth is indeed somewhere in between. I feel drained emotionally and physically but I am sober enough to realize what I need to do. I need to do a time trial and see what my real pace is. something after a rest day and from point to point so I get a reliable measurement. I texted the swimming school and booked a private session. I’m gonna do it Tuesday.

The thought of going out there and swimming in that frigid ocean brings me nausea. But that’s because I’m tired now and feeling weak and vulnerable like a little bitch. But, Tuesday morning, we’re gonna get to work. I have a point to point to point. It’s 2km. If I finish it under an hour, which should be possible, then I’m ok on pace. I’m also going to discover if I’m okay on stamina. the wetsuit really restricts my arms but that’s a problem I can solve with money.