Today is a landmark day in my training.

It’s the first time I ever Though that I will not make it.

At the bottom of the climb in Hammem Bourguiba, I was 2h30 deep in this ride and I have done only 40k. For reference, I should have had 60. More importantly, I had climbed 600m and I had 350m of climbing left. The numbers just didn’t add up. I’ve been climbing for 2h with a gear that’s honestly too hard for me. My legs were tired, it was hot. It wasn’t a good day.

I spent the next 30min or so climbing up that hill and making peace with my definitive DNF. It didn’t get much better after. Towards the end I was crushed, the sun was just too hot, I started to bonk so I stopped at a cafe to get a rest and a drink. I sat for 3 minutes. For the second time in this whole training bloc, I got chocked up. I almost cried.

This wasn’t because this thing was so hard like that first time in the pool. This time I was proud of myself. All the demons and all the voices and my conviction that I will not make it in IM cascais 2024, and I didn’t stop peddling. I said to myself: This is just another session. DNF or not, we have to finish the session anyway, in good form.

Two things stand out:

• The shadow of failure didn’t shake my commitment. This thing is happening. If not IM cascais 2024, then I’ll run the next one. Worse yet, I was sure that if I DNF in cascais, even if I make it a year later in Barcelona or whatever, Now I have to defeat this one. I was mad scared, I was panicking, heart rate was crazy, but the commitment is untouched. I will never do anything else for as long as I live until I’m an Ironman. It was planned for 1 year, but if takes two, fuck it.

• On the micro scale, my feelings didn’t interfere with the session. In fact, 2 hours later, reviewing the numbers revealed that I was indeed behind, but I still have a fair chance. it’s just the distortion of the moment that made a very bad situation look hopeless.

I didn’t become an Ironman today. Today I learned that I am already an Ironman. It’s a proud day.

Notes the day after (Jul 22, 2024)

I spent all day yesterday on the feeling that I won’t be able to get this done. It’s fine. I was just thinking of the ramifications and basically strapping up to spend the first half of 2025 the same way I spent the first half of 2024.

I just saw a Strava analysis of the ride. Turns out I did a Cat 2 and a Cat 3 climb, back to back. I have no business riding categorized climbs, I’m an absolute beginner.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I wasn’t geared well for it. I rode most of them in 50rpm which is the cadence that you use to attempt suicide. It was 38 degrees heat in the baking sun for most of the ride, broke my front derailleur on the way down, and did it all after running the longest run of my life and one of my fastest half marathons just the day before.

This was stupid. None of this is realistic race conditions.

And still, with all of this…. my numbers were within reason. 4:30 hours elapsed. 1150 elevation and 80k. That means I still have a chance at finishing the race. Low chance? Yes. But it can be done.